Are you kidding me?!

A lady comes in, and I'm in triage.  I ask her why she's here after introducing myself and getting her vital signs.  She begins by telling me about her morning and all the stress she has been experiencing lately.  Okay, so maybe it's gonna be cardiac related is what I'm thinking.  Then she goes on to say that she did some yard work in the safternoon when she got home.  So now I'm thinking maybe she cut herself or got into something she's allergic to.  But, then she finally gets to the point.  "This evening when I got home, I was cooking dinner and went to put something on the table and stubbed my toe."  This is, apparently, what she came to the ER for...a stubbed toe.  I ask if she can move it and is it swollen, etc.  "No.  But I stubbed it over an hour ago and it still hurts."  Um, I kind of wish she'd have stubbed her head!!!

Snotty-Crotch-Rag-Lady

I was assisting this little old lady to the bedside commode, and when she sat down, she asked for some tissue with which to blow her nose.  I held out the toilet paper roll to her, and she tore off a huge handful of tissue (like a miniature pillow.)  She then proceeded to blow her nose for what I think is the longest nose-blowing time in history.  When done, she had a nasty big gobbet of gooey goodness smeared all over the tissue.  And then, without further ado, she reached that tissue down and wiped her crotch from back to front a few times with it!  AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  That goes right up there with some of the most gross things I've ever seen.

Lackadaisical Parents

I love it when parents bring in their babies (not.)  By far the most common thing children are brought in for is fever.  But what I get a real hoot out of is when you start asking questions, and then you realize the parent is f***ing idiot! 

-Oh, please help!  My baby has had a horrible fever for a week!
+Have you tried to give them anything for it like Tylenol or Motrin?
-Well, no. 
+Ok.  What has their fever been running?  How high has it gotten?
-Um, I don't know.  I haven't checked it.  My baby just has felt really warm for the last week.
+Is there any nausea, vomiting, diarrhea?
-No.
+Are they pulling on their ears?  Have they been eating, drinking, and pooping like usual?
-I haven't seen him pull on his ears.  And he's been eating just fine.  Although, he didn't want to eat his veggies at lunch today.  Oh my God!  What could that mean?!  He almost always eats his veggies!
+Sounds like a normal child to me.  Has there been any change at all besides the child's "feeling warm?"
-No, but I really know there's something wrong with him!  My baby is dying!  Why aren't you going for the doctor?!  Get out of here and get the doctor!  And bring back a dinner tray for my son and me.  My husband will be here soon, too, so you may as well bring one for him also.

Dear Lord, just fall off of the earth and stop having children why don't you?!  These people drive me nuts.  They don't know anything at all about their kid, and they haven't even tried to do anything at home for them.  But why should they when they can just come to the ER and get some free tests and healthcare?  Makes me so sick!

Nutbag of a guy

This guy comes in complaining of abdominal pain.  He's already been to another hospital that day, but they found nothing wrong, so he said he figured he'd come to another one since they "didn't know nuthin.'"  We get his results from the other ED, and there is plainly nothing wrong with the guy.  He's relaxed and laid back watching tv in the room while sipping on a coke.  Oh yeah, some abdominal pain, huh?  Anyway, as soon as the doc comes in, the guy starts writhing in pain and moaning (whatta show.)  The doc basically tells him to scat b/c there's nothing we can do for someone "like him."  We had to get security to escort (throw) him out b/c he began to get very confrontational with me and the doc. 

Fast forward 20 minutes, and we hear a code blue paged overhead for one of the hospital lobbies.  That's one of our code areas to cover, so we run, grab the crash cart, and head for the lobby.  When we get there, what do we find?  That idiot with the abdominal pain playing dead on the floor.  The security guard actually kicked him in the leg and told him to get the hell out of his hospital.  So we all walked back down to the ED.

Another 30 minutes and an ambulance pulls up.  And who was inside?  Abdominal pain man.  This time he was hammered drunk, too.  We met with the ambulance personnel, and they agreed to keep driving him on down the road and to the police station.  Bet he got a surprise when they opened those back doors!

Disgusting!

Okay, so I got a patient from a nursing home who came in for a urinary tract infection.  She was an older female patient, so I told my coworker (who was male) that I would do the "In and Out" catheter to obtain the urine specimen for culturing so that the old lady wouldn't have to have a guy "down there."  Boy, he owes me big time!  The little lady told me to not mind the smell when I "went down there" b/c the diapers they put on her really made her stink (her words, not mine.)  Well, I got everything all set up and folded back the sheet.  I pulled the diaper down to her ankles and prepared my supplies, the bent her legs open to cath her.  Wowee!  All I gotta say is I'm never eating cottage cheese ever again!!!  Holy hell, this poor little lady quite literally had a cup of the stuff sitting there in her Hooha.  I had to use an extra pair of gloves to scoop the stuff out of the way so I could get to her urethra.  Oh man.  I gave her a good cleaning down there after that, but those nursing homes should be ashamed of themselves!  There's no way that that amount of ickiness just popped up over night.  Probably hadn't been properly washed in weeks!