Snotty-Crotch-Rag-Lady

I was assisting this little old lady to the bedside commode, and when she sat down, she asked for some tissue with which to blow her nose.  I held out the toilet paper roll to her, and she tore off a huge handful of tissue (like a miniature pillow.)  She then proceeded to blow her nose for what I think is the longest nose-blowing time in history.  When done, she had a nasty big gobbet of gooey goodness smeared all over the tissue.  And then, without further ado, she reached that tissue down and wiped her crotch from back to front a few times with it!  AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  That goes right up there with some of the most gross things I've ever seen.

Lackadaisical Parents

I love it when parents bring in their babies (not.)  By far the most common thing children are brought in for is fever.  But what I get a real hoot out of is when you start asking questions, and then you realize the parent is f***ing idiot! 

-Oh, please help!  My baby has had a horrible fever for a week!
+Have you tried to give them anything for it like Tylenol or Motrin?
-Well, no. 
+Ok.  What has their fever been running?  How high has it gotten?
-Um, I don't know.  I haven't checked it.  My baby just has felt really warm for the last week.
+Is there any nausea, vomiting, diarrhea?
-No.
+Are they pulling on their ears?  Have they been eating, drinking, and pooping like usual?
-I haven't seen him pull on his ears.  And he's been eating just fine.  Although, he didn't want to eat his veggies at lunch today.  Oh my God!  What could that mean?!  He almost always eats his veggies!
+Sounds like a normal child to me.  Has there been any change at all besides the child's "feeling warm?"
-No, but I really know there's something wrong with him!  My baby is dying!  Why aren't you going for the doctor?!  Get out of here and get the doctor!  And bring back a dinner tray for my son and me.  My husband will be here soon, too, so you may as well bring one for him also.

Dear Lord, just fall off of the earth and stop having children why don't you?!  These people drive me nuts.  They don't know anything at all about their kid, and they haven't even tried to do anything at home for them.  But why should they when they can just come to the ER and get some free tests and healthcare?  Makes me so sick!

Nutbag of a guy

This guy comes in complaining of abdominal pain.  He's already been to another hospital that day, but they found nothing wrong, so he said he figured he'd come to another one since they "didn't know nuthin.'"  We get his results from the other ED, and there is plainly nothing wrong with the guy.  He's relaxed and laid back watching tv in the room while sipping on a coke.  Oh yeah, some abdominal pain, huh?  Anyway, as soon as the doc comes in, the guy starts writhing in pain and moaning (whatta show.)  The doc basically tells him to scat b/c there's nothing we can do for someone "like him."  We had to get security to escort (throw) him out b/c he began to get very confrontational with me and the doc. 

Fast forward 20 minutes, and we hear a code blue paged overhead for one of the hospital lobbies.  That's one of our code areas to cover, so we run, grab the crash cart, and head for the lobby.  When we get there, what do we find?  That idiot with the abdominal pain playing dead on the floor.  The security guard actually kicked him in the leg and told him to get the hell out of his hospital.  So we all walked back down to the ED.

Another 30 minutes and an ambulance pulls up.  And who was inside?  Abdominal pain man.  This time he was hammered drunk, too.  We met with the ambulance personnel, and they agreed to keep driving him on down the road and to the police station.  Bet he got a surprise when they opened those back doors!

I Missed Out

I was thinking the other day that I really missed out on some totally free healthcare when I was a bit younger and poorer.  There's a problem with healthcare in general, and it needs a major overhaul I agree, but I just don't have the time or energy anymore to try to fix everything that's screwed up in this world.  When I had just gotten married, we were fairly poor as most younger married folks tend to start out.  We had no insurance like most of the population, too.  However, I can remember going to the ER only once in those 5 years without insurance.  I apparently had a kidney stone, and it was pretty bad.  I got the bill a month later...$1300 for fluids, pain meds, and preventative antibiotics.  *Sigh*  I was crushed.  Not only were we already poor, but now we owed $1300.  But, we paid it off over the course of one year.  Little did I know that I could have just refused to pay it and got off scot free.  It's frickin ridiculous the stupid crap people come crawling into the ER with.  And they have no insurance and no intention of ever paying one cent for the care they receive.  Now, I understand that there really are cases of folks who downright really can't pay.  But you can't tell me that the lady who brings her toddler to the ER for a runny nose is utilizing our services properly.  Especially since she's visited us 35 times this year for similar complaints (mild headache, stuffy nose, zit on chin, etc.)  It's stupid.  They know what they're doing.  They don't give a shit, though.  They just keep coming back and wasting time and resources, which then drives the price of healthcare up even further.

Why does an aspirin given to you in the hospital cost $35?  Because of the dirt-lickin' idiot down the hall who came in for "toe pain."  A full workup later, and there's nothing wrong, but they want their pain medicine, and they want it quickly.  They don't care if someone else just got brought in by ambulance who can't breathe or who's heart has stopped beating.  They want their candy and they want it now (and for free.)  And then there's the stupid moronic people who call an ambulance to pick them up for a minor cough b/c they know that if they come in by ambulance, that they will get to go straight back and not wait in line.  They really need to change the law that says we can't turn anyone away.  We should be able to screen folks and say, "Sorry, but you're just an idiot with a hangnail trying to get some free medical care that you could do for yourself at home.  Goodbye." 

One man actually went on and on telling me about how he keeps coming back every week b/c of his particular ailment, and then he had the nerve to say, "And all y'all do is give me a shot of pain medicine and send me home."  Uh, duh.  We're here for emergencies, not primary care.  We stabilize you, not fix you.  Our job is to stabilize you to a point to where you can either last through the illness or make it to your primary care doctor.  From there, your dr should be able to devise a course of treatment for your problem and follow your progress.  But like I said, I missed out on loads of free health care.  I can't count the times when I stayed home for a day due to sickness and just slept and took Nyquil when I could've just gone to the ER and gotten some free drugs and wasted time.  Oh, what times I could have had...